The Adventures of Mary Sue: Suikoden Style
by Kilawher
Summary: Mary Sue, the most beautifulest perfect girl in the world, has been set loose in the world of Suikoden! Major parody. Hopefully humorous.
1. In Which Mary Sue Blinds a Poor NPC

A random NPC (let's call him Al, for story's sake) was taking his normal twenty-four hour walk about the same five foot tract of land when he was interrupted by a voice. A meltingly melodious voice that nearly brought tears to his ears, which made absoulutely no sense.

"Excuse me, good sir?"

Al nearly forgot the enigmatic phrase, which was supposed to hint at the recruitment of a particular character, that he was programmed to say no matter who talked to him. "H-he…have you seen…I-I mean…have you heard…"

The corners of her plush pink lips turned up in humor. "Anytime now."

Al laughed heartily. It was the wittiest retort he had ever heard! "Y-y-y-yes?"

She tossed her long, gleaming, perfectly straight mahogany-hair-with-natural-gold-red-and-silver-highlights, and opened her wide, sparkling, glittery green-eyes-with-flecks-of-gold-and-black-and-azure-and-violet-and-brown-that-changed-colors-with-her-mood. "I'm looking for my lover."

"Me!" Al gasped, clasping his hands. "Marry me!" He gazed at her with adoring eyes.

She sighed and shook her head. "Mary Sue," she said to herself. "This is bad!"

Al prostrated himself at her feet. "I love you! Forever!"

Mary Sue twisted the corner of her perfect mouth and sighed again. "I guess I must…" she said faintly as Al began to kiss her feet. "Hey!"

He glanced up just as she parted her lips, revealing her dazzling white teeth displayed in a glorious smile. "Aaaaaah! My eyessss! My eyesssss!" Al's eyes, temporarily blinded by the brilliance of her perfect teeth, rolled on the ground in agony as Mary Sue sighed (yet again) and stepped over him, heading towards the outskirts of the town.

"Silly NPC," she said softly. "As if a portrait-less character could have any use to me."

For the hundred-millionth time, she sighed, and clucked her tongue. She was perfect, after all. Not only was she obviously the most beautiful person (male and female) in the entire history of the universe, but she could teleport, time travel, and read minds. Every man (and woman) that saw her was instantly transformed into a babbling idiot. And it was so rough, living like that. Sigh.

That's why she was on a search for the perfect man. One who would not get angry when she had to excuse herself to go save the world, or get upset when she uses her mighty powers of seduction to receive free items at the item shop. He had to be out there somewhere, after all, a handsome, athletic, wonderful, kind, caring guy that would cater to her every need and rescue her whenever she needed it (which could be quite often).

Mary Sue sighed for the irritatingly-many-eth time and started her way out of town, ignoring all of the useless NPC's hurling themselves her way with offers of guidance and aid.

Next stop: Toran Castle.


	2. In Which Esmeralda Becomes Very Jealous

"Hey," Onil had snuck up behind Esmeralda as she posed dramatically at one of the windows of Toran Castle. "Did you see the new girl yet?"

"Get away from me, you old hag," Esmeralda snarled, annoyed that the time she alotted for her many male admirers had been spoiled. But wait…where _were _her male admirers today? She could almost always count on little Qlon, who adored her, or at least her friend Vincent, who, despite having other preferences, tried his best to support her.

"I know what you're thinking, dear," gloated Onil, quickly coating her tone with a veneer of very false sympathy. "You should head to the roof. You might find something interesting." With those forboding words of parting, the old woman sashayed away, a superior little smile on her face.

Esmeralda pouted, but could not resist the tug of curiousity. Pretending as if she was heading upstairs by mistake, she meandered in that direction, stopping often to pose. But again, she was confronted by the absence of her gawkers. Come to think of it, _everybody _seemed to be missing, from the old geezer Liukan to young Templeton. Ignoring her growing sense of panic, she began to walk more quickly.

As she got closer to the stairs to the roof, more and more people began to appear. In fact, there was an enormous crowd packed around the entrance. "Hugo, what's going on?" she asked almost politely, but Hugo strode past her without a reply. Esmeralda took a deep breath, lowered her shoulder, and shoved through the pack, ignoring the yelps and cries she received as she stepped on people's feet. Finally, she reached the center of the crowd. Breathing hard, her teeth clenched, she demanded of the subject of attention, "Who are you?"

This new girl smiled. Several people fainted. "Hello! My name is Marybella Susette Alanna Rose Callista Arielle Jamiski, but you can call me Mary Sue. I love it here! I've made so many new friends!"

"Am I your friend?" It was Qlon's squeaky prepubescent voice speaking as he gazed up at Mary Sue in adoration. Esmeralda's large blue eyes bulged as she realized her former fan had not even spared her a glance.

Mary Sue smiled down on him. Several more people fainted. "Of course you are!" Qlon smiled, not even noticing as Esmeralda let out a great shriek of rage and swooned.

"Don't worry, everybody," offered Mary Sue. "I'll take care of her!"

Murmurs raced throughout the crowd, varying from "How sweet and caring!" to "I want her to have my babies!". Mary Sue blessed them with a third sweet and adorable grin (another several people fainted) as she picked up Esmeralda's limp body (she was abnormally strong, of course, but without any unsightly bulging muscles) and teleported off to the inn.

"Oh dear!" cried Marie once she caught sight of the couple. "Lay her down over here." She watched Mary Sue gently place Esmeralda on one of the inn beds. "Stay tight, I'll call for Doctor Liukan."

"Oh, no need," Mary Sue replied breezily. "I went to the most prestigious school of medicine in Toran. I graduated first in my class. It will all be fine!"

Marie pursed her lips as Mary Sue began making a cold water compress for the blonde girl's forehead. "Don't they only allow college graduates into medical school?"

"I _am _a college graduate," Mary Sue said with a businesslike tone. "Because of my amazingly superior intellect and otherworldly maturity, I graduated high school at the age of three, and college at six."

Marie shook her head and left, muttering something like, "What the hell is a high school?"

Mary Sue contented herself with changing back and forth into various animal forms until Esmeralda awoke. "Are you all right?"

Esmeralda glared at her. "Who are you, _really?"_

Mary Sue cocked her head and assumed an innocent look. "My name is Marybelle Susette Alanna Rose Callista Arielle Jamiski. I am the fabled 109th Star, and I hold the mystical 28th True Rune. I can travel through time, teleport…" She bit her lip. "And do a bunch of other stuff too. Oh yeah, not to mention, I'm sweet, loving, caring, and totally modest."

Esmeralda sighed (which was not nearly a perfect sound as Mary Sue's) and flopped back down on the bed. "Get out of my sight, _please."_


	3. In Which Mary Sue Becomes Bored of Toran

"…and that's how I saved the Warrior's Village, obtained the Magical Glowing Jewelled Sword of Mysterious Mystical Powers, and got a really hot tan!" Mary Sue told Mina, Tengaar, Lotte, Sarah, and Luc.

"Wow," Mina exclaimed breathlessly. "That's _so cool_. I totally wish I was you!"

Mary Sue giggled sweetly. "Sorry, dear. All canon characters have been reverted to supporting roles while I'm around."

All of a sudden, there was a great purple explosion in the corner of the room, causing the crowd of people gathered there to shriek. Mary Sue leapt up. "Don't worry! I'll vanquish the intruder!"

Luc, succumbing to her amazing power of dramatic OOC-ness, shrieked, "Don't! Mary Sue! I'll save you!", and was immediately struck dumb by Neclord's power. "Ughhh…"

"Hello, everybody, it's been awhile," Neclord grinned toothily. "I'm here for my seventieth bride." He took a step towards the group of cowering teenagers.

"Don't be silly," yawned Tengaar. "Hix, go take care of him again."

Hix emerged from the crowd, his wrists trembling. "I-I-I'm not going to risk my l-life for you again, Tengaar. I-I-I've decided to rename my sword…Mary Sue."

"What!" Tengaar cried, straightening up. "How dare you! You'd better start running now!"

"Don't bother," Neclord said mildly. "I haven't come for you, anyway. You're old news."

Tengaar frowned and crossed her arms. "What?"

"I'm here for Mary Sue, of course," he told her impatiently. "Come forward, seventieth wife!"

Mary Sue stepped dramatically forward, drawing her Magical Glowing Jewelled Sword of Mysterious Mystical Powers. "Death to you, demon!"

Practically at the speed of light, Neclord glided forward, grabbing her by her upper arm, which rendered her helpless. "Oh no!"

"Farewell, everyone," said Neclord smoothly. "Our wedding will take place at sundown. You're all welcome to attend…if you survive, of course." With a cackle, both he and Mary Sue vanished.

Almost immediately, Viktor, Flik, and Tir Mcdohl zoomed down the stairs. "We convieniently overheard everything!" gasped Flik. "So we can leave right away!"

"I'll come!" Hix and Luc said in unison. They glared at each other.

"Okay," said Vikor, already gripping the handle of the Star Dragon Sword. "And I think that Mathiu wanted to come along too."

"Mathiu's not a fighting character!" shouted Tengaar. "And don't tell me it's because-"

"Mary Sue's in danger!" Viktor said, speaking right over her. "We must do everything in our power to save her! Screw the war!"

"But we already defeated Neclord once before!" Tengaar said, beginning to cry. "How can he come back?"

Tir rolled his eyes. "It's the magical Mary Sue device of…hey, look over there!"

And with those words, the group of six somehow teleported to Neclord's castle.

"Whew," panted Flik, wiping the sweat off his forehead. "Almost there."

Viktor quickly decapitated a creepy blue flaming unicorn, and, before anybody else could, twisted the doorknob of Neclord's sanctuary.

Which was not Neclord's sanctuary anymore, for, in the middle of the floor lay a very dead Neclord, with Mary Sue nowhere in sight. The group blinked.

"Where did she go?" Flik whispered dumbly.

Little to their knowledge, Mary Sue, after wiping the floor with Neclord, had teleported off to Dunan, three years in the future, where another gathering of stars (otherwise known as gathering of bishounen) was taking place…


	4. In Which Mary Sue Arrives in Dunan

It was a clear, starry night at Dunan Castle, where most of the castle's residents, the members of the Dunan Allied Army who were currently in the midst of plans to oust King Luca Blight from his bloody throne, were trying to sleep. Now, you, dear reader, may notice the usage of the word 'trying' in the end of that sentence. Wouldn't you think that, after a long day of battling bunnies with axes and recruiting flying squirrels in multicolored capes, the residents would be sufficiently exhausted enough to fall right into a deep, dreamless slumber?

Sadly, no. Those stars were just too damn bright.

_Strangely _bright, as a matter of fact. And several residents took it upon themselves to venture outdoors and investigate. They discovered that, oddly, two of the stars seemed to be much brighter than the rest, and, even more oddly, moving closer and closer to the castle.

"Wait a second," Hix exclaimed breathlessly. "I remember…it's…MARY SUE! She's returned!"

"Wha!" cried Nanami, employing her trademark punctuation abuse. "Who……..who's Mary…..ah!" Her eyes watering in pain, she immediately shaded her dark eyes with her left hand, her right automatically straying to her weapon.

However, despite the most likely permanent damage to her eyes, she soon found that there was no need for bloodshed. She had, of course, fallen victim to the blinding, sparkling white incisors of Mary Sue, as they stretched themselves into a breathtaking smile. Her perfect teeth reflected the starlight over the entire spread of Dunan Castle; if some lucky soldier or maid or kraken had managed to sleep through the illuminating starlight (which, Mary Sue had obviously magicked into predicting her arrival. How else could the most perfect girl in the world be welcomed?), they were certainly up now.

"Greetings, everyone," melodized Mary Sue. Nanami's eyes again filled with tears (mostly from the damage to her retinas, but partly because Mary Sue's voice made it sound as if she were singing the most heartbreakingly beautiful song in the world every time she spoke. Boy, all of this praise is becoming tiresome.). "As some of you may already know…" she turned her gaze upon Hix, Viktor, Flik, Luc, and Stallion. Hix fainted. "I am Marybella Susette Alanna Rose Callista Arielle Jennifer Ashlee Kathrynne Jamiski. But most people call me Mary Sue." Nobody bothered to ask where she had received an extra three names or, for that matter, managed to travel three years into the future. Everyone was too busy captivated by her perfect face and figure, which had curves in all the right places, and on her right hand, which was currently enveloped in a pulsating pink glow.

"I sense power…" Luc intoned, peering angstily at his own True Rune, which could evidently pick up magical signals or something. Whatever it was, it was a convenient plot device designed to draw attention to Mary Sue's amazing magical ability. "Is that…a True Rune?"

Mary Sue sighed. Her beautiful color-changing orbs, which were currently a clear, crystal blue, filled with diamond like tears, which made trails like moonlight down her cheeks. "I…I…yes. But that's all…that's all I can say right now." The pink glow around her hand faded, bringing with it the cheap attempt at suspense. "Well, that's done. Can someone find me a bed in the castle? I need rest. The power used by my MYSTICAL TRUE RUN3 SKILLZ have drained my energy." She sniffed delicately, drawing a hand across her tear-stained cheeks. Of course, she wasn't one of those people whose faces turned red and blotchy when crying. In fact, if possible, it only made her more gorgeous, which was obvious when the entire male population of the castle, which had of course emptied outside to welcome her, offered her a place to sleep. In their bed.

"No, no, thank you," she said with a long-suffering sigh. "I'll take Riou's room, since that's the biggest in the castle. And I'll want silk sheets and a hot bath with rosepetals. Get on it." Several people immediately jumped up to fill her wishes. "I'll need the best rest I can get, especially with Luca Blight about to attack the castle tomorrow night."

Shu furrowed his brows in puzzlement. "Leon Silverberg sent the message that the night raid by Luca Blight would take place in _two _days."

Mary Sue let out a tinkling laugh, waving her hand. "Oh, come on. He's not a young hot bishounen, therefore he has no credit. Come on. _Old, ugly _characters are always the bad guys. Look around. You're all hot, aren't you?"

She looked from Luc to Shu to Flik to Camus. "See? Point proven. And wasn't Barbarossa the bad guy _last _time? Haven't you learned _anything _since then?" She heaved a great sigh again. "I'm going to get my beauty rest. I'll need it for tomorrow night when I defeat Luca Blight by myself, then reform him into the guy of my dreams." She gasped. "Ooooooops! I said a bit too much." Luckily, nobody had been listening, because they had been too busy swooning over her fantastic knowledge.

So, the fierce battle against Luca Blight was to be tomorrow night (nobody dared question Mary Sue's data, of course). Is the all-powerful Mary Sue really a match for the "strongest man in the Suikoden world"? I guess you'll have to find out in the next chapter, which should, unlike this one, be out before the end of the next millennium!


End file.
